Category Archives: Humor

Video: The Economy

My husband Sean and I made this video short for a contest put on by online publication Mythic Picnic on Twitter. They are an experimental, creative and fun group of people, and they put out some great content. Their contests welcome not only writing, but also multimedia submissions: everything from photography to comics to video.  

I’m proud to say our video won the grand prize!

The video concept came from a discussion Sean and I had about the Republicans eagerness to reopen the economy in the middle of one of the biggest pandemics the US has faced since 1918. I made a joke that their spiel reminded me of one of those super-enthusiastic, manipulative drug company commercials, and Sean laughed and said “Write it up we’ll make a video!” So I did.

I wrote the 30-second script and asked my friend Gabra to record the VoiceOver. She’s a professional VO artist and I had to admit I heard the words in her voice while I was writing. Sean posted an open call on Twitter and Facebook for actors who might be interested in performing. Sean then edited everything together, created graphics, added music, and all the rest of that magical film stuff he does: and that was that!

This whole project honestly came together like a dream. It was such a good experience. For any writer and creative, I can’t recommend Mythic Picnic highly enough. They’re great to work with, and you should give them a follow on Twitter!

Thanks to everyone who shared their talents: Lauren Shaw, Kitty Ostapowicz-D’Ambrose, Amy Chace, Lisa A. Stockton-Wilson, Carolyn Notline Maher, Stacy Mize, Sarah Cuccio – Schoofs, Kristina Erikson, Brett Vanderbrook, Levi Wilson, M. Elizabeth Lee, Joe Brodsky, Allison Brooks, Raina Fraley, and all the roommates, family, and friends who helped with filming, snacks and love. 

 

To the Young Dude I Let Cut in Front of Me at the Supermarket

Dear Young Dude,

I’m sorry I let you cut in front of me at the store. You see, I noticed you only had a can of soda in your hand, and I knew that my overladen basket of groceries would take a while to scan and bag. Also, I had my eye on that giant can of Diet Red Bull in the case near the register, and I thought that letting you go in front of me would give me time to get some of that delicious highly-caffeinated goodness. So I waved you ahead of me, only half noticing how you nervously avoided my eyes as you muttered your thanks.

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Harley and the Firemen

It’s hard not to like firemen. Really: the job of firemen has been romanticized for probably as long as they’ve been driving around in those big, giant, shiny red trucks. They have all the gadgets and muscles of a policeman, without the billy-clubs and pepper-spray: what’s not to love? But if you look past the rubber-suited, fire-hose-totin’ glamour, firemen really have kind of crappy jobs. Think about it, they’re either hanging around the firehouse for endless hours, playing cards, listening to music, maybe lifting weights … shirtless … perhaps taking long, hot saunas with other muscular firemen, roughly rubbing scented oil into each other’s rippling pectorals … *ahem* … sorry, got off track. Where was I?

Oh yes, talking about how lame the job of being a fireman must really be. Either they’re waiting around for a really terrible fire to happen, or they’re putting out a really terrible fire, which boils down to: really boring, or really depressing. I imagine the greatest perk for a fireman must be saving things. Sometimes they get to save a home, sometimes they save people, and sometimes they even save people’s pets.

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Devil Bunnies

Gather ’round, my children, and I shall tell you a tale to make your hair turn white, your bowels tremble, and set your toenails ablaze.

I used to have quite a second career centered around house-sitting, and I have a lot of very boring stories about it. Lots and lots of boring stories. On the flip side of that coin, I have a few interesting stories — or at least less stultifyingly boring — and now that I have you totally confused, I shall begin.

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A Magical Tale of Wintery Goodness: OR: I Hate January and February in Alaska

Once upon a time, a not-so-very-long time ago, there lived a fairy princess who was the princess of SPRING!! As you can imagine, she was the mostest beautifulest fairy princess ever and everyone loved her very much. Not only was she heartbreakingly beautiful in the way that only fairies can be, but she was also the kindest and the sweetest and the bestest of them all. EVER. Believe me; it is true. Also, in addition to her beautifulness and hottness and kindness and sweetness and such, she was the fairy in CHARGE of bringing spring , which–if you live in a cold, desolate place like Alaska–you know is a really mother-fucking important job.

So. Enter conflict:

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Shopping in New York, Part 2

One of the many things I love about Brooklyn is all the neighborhood stores: the tiny supermarkets, the hardware shops that are so long, dusty and narrow you feel like you’re in a topiary maze, the “specialty service” stores that hearken back to Alaskan-businesses in that they offer so many different services in their efforts to remain competitive with the larger national chain stores. These are the stores which are owned by locals, many of them have been there forever, as evidenced by the dust, and the cluster of regulars which invariably seem to gather round the register discussing scratch tickets and last night’s game.

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Shopping in New York, Part 1

New York City has this reputation as a shopper’s paradise, a place where the consumer’s version of Rule 34 of the Internet has been realized: if it exists, there is a place to buy it in New York City.

That is, unless the “it” in question happens to be food coloring.

Several months ago, Sean and I were in desperate need of some food coloring, you know, to make fake blood for a zombie movie … what else do you use food coloring for in NYC? … cake baker….

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Synchronicity: Fate Doesn’t Have an Expiration Date

Sometimes, the universe conspires to send a message, and we, poor humans, can only hope we are aware enough to hear it.

My message came in a can, or, more specifically, a can of eggnog.

I was doing laundry at my favorite local laundromat—you know, the one that’s well-lit and doesn’t have too many aggressive creepers loitering, trying to strike up conversations. After starting the washer, however, I realized I was out of dryer sheets. Rather than purchase them from the vending machine (convenient but expensive) I decided to duck into the bodega next door.

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Bohemian Waxody

The long, dark winters of Alaska can be tough, even for the most seasoned sourdough. To keep from going completely bonkers, Alaskans have learned to seek out things to help them escape the maddening embrace of cabin fever: either literally, through various winter sports; or figuratively, through flights of imagination. Being the bad-Alaskan that I am — one who does not enjoy snow-machining, and who can’t really understand the allure of camping when there are perfectly good hotels with flushing toilets around — I am naturally inclined toward the more cerebral escapes. However, there is one type of outside winter event that I look forward to each year: watching the flocks of migratory birds when they come through town — in particular, the Bohemian Waxwings. I remember, several winters ago, when I was able to spend a lazy morning watching them from my living room window. As with many such activities, this particular one was made even more special because I got to share it with someone special: my then-boyfriend’s cat, Marv.

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