A Magical Tale of Wintery Goodness: OR: I Hate January and February in Alaska

Once upon a time, a not-so-very-long time ago, there lived a fairy princess who was the princess of SPRING!! As you can imagine, she was the mostest beautifulest fairy princess ever and everyone loved her very much. Not only was she heartbreakingly beautiful in the way that only fairies can be, but she was also the kindest and the sweetest and the bestest of them all. EVER. Believe me; it is true. Also, in addition to her beautifulness and hottness and kindness and sweetness and such, she was the fairy in CHARGE of bringing spring , which–if you live in a cold, desolate place like Alaska–you know is a really mother-fucking important job.

So. Enter conflict:

Allow me to introduce our main protagonist (antagonist? arsonist? contortionist? communist? what word ending in ist will make you hate her the most??) … where was I …. oh yeah: so there was this EVIL princess who hated the spring fairy princess very much: the princess of–you guessed it–WINTER!! This princess was very very jealous of the princess of spring, because not only did everyone not like her as much as they liked the fairy princess of spring because the fairy princess of spring was actually genuinely kinda nice, albeit a bit daft, the fairy princess of spring was also much cuter and prettier than the winter fairy, not to mention she had a smokin’-hott-bod with natural, perky breasts, dewy skin, and thick, naturally wavy golden hair. And, since she was a spring fairy, her outfits were really super skimpy and she was often asked to pose for “Play-Fairy” or to act as co-hostess in “Fairies Gone Wild.”

The winter fairy found this all very disturbing, and gosh-darn it, she got kind of jealous. The winter fairy princess’s own complexion somewhat resembled a mouldy peach, and she was long-waisted and short-legged, and one breast was slightly smaller than the other (or was it that one breast was slightly larger than the other?) and even though she did have some lovely raven-colored hair (her pride and joy) even that small blessing came with a price, and the winter fairy princess had to regularly undergo full body waxings just to keep away the full-body-five-o-clock shadow. The winter princess fairy had even invested in a fur bikini one year, in hopes of garnering more fans so that she would be invited, perhaps, to join “The View” because they seemed like her kind of women, and she needed all the friends she could get, and believe me, she needed the cash; there ain’t much bank in the fairy-princess business, not like it used to be. But alas, the fur bikini upon which she placed all her hopes and dreams of pop-culture prestige had been made of skunk fur, so instead of raising her ratings, her itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-black-and-white-fur-striped-bikini just raised eyebrows, and resulted in a lot of unreturned phone calls.


The evil winter princess fairy was pissed. But please do feel a moment of sympathy for the evil fairy winces of printer … er … princess of winter… because she had started OUT good … but she was just fucking sick and tired of spending millennium upon millennium as second-best (ok, maybe third or fourth) and as the shadowy-underappreciated ne’er-do-well. Plus, the spring fairy princess was kind of a bitch to her sometimes when nobody else was around, treating her (the wintery fairy princess) with poorly concealed contempt. You know, kind of like how the Homecoming Queen treated you in highschool. Like that.


The winter fairy princess (whose job it was to, you know, make winter happen, just in case you missed that bit of information) came up with a plot. She called upon her minions, her tubby little devilish sprites who spent the long winter hours massaging her shoulders and buffing her bunions and polishing her toenails and washing her cunning little magical fairy dishes made out of crystal and MAGIC … so she called them up and she told them to go KILL the spring princess fairy chick who was in charge of bringing the SPRING to the world. And they said “no,” at first, because they were scared and secretly thought the spring fairy was kinda hot, but then they said “ok” because the winter fairy got “that look” on her face and they knew that “that look” could only mean the “icy-water genital torture” treatment, or worse yet: “the probing icicle of shame.” … and they were just not in the mood, thank you very much. So they said “ok” … oh yeah … already said that …


Then the henchmen fairy-sprite-minion dudes went out and found the spring fairy all snuggled deep down and beautifully sleeping in her very special magical bed made of wishes and cobwebs and dreams. And they took her cunning, magical, beautifully-special magic pillow and smothered her to death with it. And the winter fairy was happy, because now she was in charge of TWO seasons. And the fairies of summer and fall were so frikkin’ scared they moved away … and then she was in control all the time … and before you, kind readers, start to see the growing unintentional, yet undeniable, resemblance between my tale and a certain kinda famous series by C.S. Lewis … I will close by explaining that this is why Spring is not coming to Alaska …never, ever again. Sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news.

Fucking snow.

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